Falling in Love at 49

To paraphrase the old song:

Love is lovelier, the second time around.

Just as wonderful, with both feet on the ground.

It’s that second time you hear your love song sung,

makes you think perhaps that love, like youth,

is wasted on the young.

And so it is. Falling in love later can be quite the challenge, but when it happens, it feels just like a miracle! To me it felt like winning the lottery. And in a way, it was.

When I think back to all the reasons why Mike and I should not have met, it boggles my mind that we did. Although we only lived 10 miles apart, without the internet we most certainly wouldn’t have met. Our backgrounds were quite different and we shared no social networks.

In addition, I was getting gun shy of meeting new men through the internet because of the way they kept vaporizing after our first date. (See previous post) I was beginning to feel mighty hopeless! And besides being a shy, private person himself, Mike was also fearful of bringing another into his off and on struggle with chronic fatigue (CFS).

Then there was the fact that we didn’t really match up on paper. I came from a strongly academic background and Mike went to the Navy instead of college. His specialty is mechanics and electronics, mine is intellectual pursuits.

But what we did have in common turned out to be much more important. Mike and I had a camaraderie of spirit which I have never found in another human being. We both realized later that we had been trying to connect with others in this way for most of our lives, but had somehow missed until the day we met.

From the very beginning our souls spoke to each other in a unique and wonderful way, a spontaneous familiarity, a synchronicity of body, mind and heart. And the most amazing thing is that we both realized and appreciated it immediately. No backing away from it, no denying it. We both completely trusted our intuition and feelings and simply went with it.

We spoke for ten hours on our first date, and took a short trip together less than two weeks afterwards. Now, I know you’re probably thinking, that this stinks a bit of “instimacy” (instant intimacy), but the best way I can describe it is that great line at the end of “When Harry Met Sally.”

When you finally meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible!

We both had been through so much in our lives, so we recognized immediately when something unique and wonderful fell into our laps. I also learned about a key component of compatibility that I had never thought about before.

Besides the usual requirements, the deal breakers, etc., I learned how important it is that your partner comprehend things at a rate comparable to yourself. In other words, Mike and I think at the same rate, and often come to the same conclusions simultaneously. This can be quite a gift in a long term relationship!

My own theory of love came through loud and clear when I met Mike. That theory says: you get what you are in love, because your loved one reflects back your Self in so many ways. As much as you have worked on developing into your best self, as much as you can come to love yourself, that is the kind of person you will attract to yourself.

So keep working on loving yourself and feeling gratitude for the life you have, and read good book like: How to be an adult in relationships by David Richo.

My favorite poet Marge Piercy said it best in her book “The Moon is Always Female”:

“Love is plunging into darkness toward a place that may exist.”

The content of this blog is copyrighted material. No content, including photos, may be reproduced without prior written permission.


18 Responses to Falling in Love at 49

  1. smilin' brad says:

    I’m always lifted up when I read of the success of others. If it is possible for you, it is possible for me.
    I too have been pursuing that elusive combination of compatibility factors, physical, mental, emotional and Spiritual for 12 years since ending my 20 year marriage. Some women have been a marvelous combination of several factors but not balanced in all areas. Many times, I have not held an open heart to possibility. So, we live and learn. It only has to work right once to make it all worth while. It’s a marvelous journey! More Love.

  2. midlifecrisisqueen says:

    Thanks for your comment Brad. You’re right, it just needs to happen once to make all of the rest of the struggle worthwhile. Keep the faith!

  3. Rhea says:

    I’m 49. I could go for this.

  4. midlifecrisisqueen says:

    Stranger things have happened! Go for it!!!

  5. Marie says:

    After spending the first 20 years of my life as a wife to 2 different men and now having a junior in high school, I suppose it did hit me all at once about 6 months ago around my 44th birthday.

    The dissatisfaction and emptyness overwhelmed me so much one day that I sought professional help. I was told I was discovering my “middle age” and was told to read a million feel-good books on the subject that included Jungian theory and Buddhist based spirituality. I was even told to take meditation classes. If you cannot tell from my sarky e-tone, I did not and still cannot “buy” into any of it. It seems like a load of self-serving and selfish “loving” me garbage.

    Ive been single for 5 years and have dated countless men. Much to my chagrin, even the smallest “smidgen” of compatibility usually wasn’t enough to keep any relationship going for more than 6 months. Some of these same fellows are still friends (or even friends with benefits) today but none are close to me.

    So two divorces, bankruptcy, a steadily rising career and several houses later, Im older, wiser and totally isolated. And this is supposed to be a “blessing” somehow? A sign of growing up and getting through to the other side? What exactly do I do with this wealth of experience and discriminating wisdom I’ve acquired? Write a book? Take deep breaths? Honestly folks, Im at a loss and not even the psychotherapist I saw over a month could give me concrete coping skills…

    I firmly believe that once you hit this age, particularly for an independent and successful woman, you’re past your physical prime. Consequently, you have to settle for alot less in a partner or just deal with being alone. That , in and of itself, is the reality of this last stretch of my life. Coping with that awareness I suppose is my “journey”.

  6. smilin' brad says:

    Oh Marie! I too was an angry soul for years after my divorce. I finally got tired of it and decided to change my mind. I sat with my anger and tried to discover why I was so mad at someone for leaving me when we had been such a poor match from the beginning. I discovered the source of my anger and have been able to release it. (It had nothing to do with her) I’m now able to move on with my Life and have worked dilligently to become the person I would like to spend time with. If I find someone to share Life’s path, GREAT! If I don’t? I’m enjoying the journey. Life doesn’t always come up smelling like roses but that’s OK, we need the manure! More love.

  7. Marie says:

    Wow..Im impressed that my comment was made part of an actual post in your blog. Im flattered, honestly. Thanks midlifecrisis queen.. One of the things I was also told to do by this counselor was keep a journal.. As if!! I already keep several online blogs but took a break from online writing when one of my readers told me I was getting dull .. Then I started penning erotica stories for adult pay sites.

    To smilin’ brad- Honestly , Im not mad or angry. Im really just shattered that well…this thing I call my life now MAY be all there is left. Its scary actually. Not angry at all.

    PS-I left both my husbands but I realize/ know Im 50% of the blame for each marital failure. I still talk and and can be in the same room civilly interacting with both of them.. I left any “bitterness” behind 3 years ago. Even uprooted myself for another job in another state in 2005… Mentioning this because perhaps my “point of refernece” wasnt exactly clear…

  8. smilin' brad says:

    Marie, someone told me that depression is simply anger without enthusiasm. I was reading an article about Studs Turkel on his 94th birthday. He said someone commented “who would want to live to be 94?”, he replied, I’m sure the people who are 93 are pretty darn interested in it. Own it, stop whining and get on with your Life, no matter what it looks like. It’s an opportunity, not an entitlement. No guarantees, expressed or implied. More Love.

  9. Marie says:

    Hey again Brad-

    I think you got a really wrong impression of me. I work everyday and have my fair share of responsibility or “opportunities” (to put a happier spin on the word). If you call this whining, then I’d ask you to to stop responding to it.. Wouldnt want to bring you down. LOL

    Depression is “anger” manifested in whatever form it comes out (cynicism, rage, addiction or self-destructive behavior)… I have a degree in psychology, see a counselor and have been on meds for over a decade.. I kinda know of what I speak.

    Lastly, I dont want to “own” anything. I guess in that regard, Im not as arrogant as some to think I can control what is unknown..I realize tomorrow may not come and that there are fates worse than death. Example-I could not imagine becoming paraplegic and still having all my mental capacity. I’d definitely use my pistol then…

  10. smilin' brad says:

    Best Wishes. Happy Holidays.
    Peace, More Love

  11. […] Falling in Love at 49. Read about the coming together of this woman and her husband as they discover love. Browse her blog for other posts with advice on dating later in life. […]

  12. cantorballard says:

    Hey Marie,
    I know you wrote this blog entry ages ago, but I just stumbled across it, and I love your site. While I’m an intellectual, too, I much prefer reading about real people, and the topic resonates strongly in my life.

    I am an adventure queen, love life, have loved raising my 2 kids, and been single for 7 years. Almost frightfully single. I wanted to focus on my last years with my kids at home, and not have to juggle time, and now I just sent the last one to college (Thank goodness I started young, so I’m only 46) and am finally starting life over. The scary part is – I also have NO social network to even begin to reach out to for that purpose, so I’m really starting over from scratch.

    I am also a very soulful person, and while looks, profession, intelligence, and character all play roles in our selection criteria, I loved the factor you mentioned about how you and Mike process things the same way and at the same pace, and that you instantly knew you had one soul. I know it will be that way for me, too, but the concept of having to kiss those frogs before the prince comes along makes me a little skittish. I hate frogs.

    So – thanks for the encouragement. You’re a real woman, living a real life. And Brad – you’re a pretty smart guy, too. I wish my ex had your enlightenment. All the best, and MORE LOVE for EVERYONE!

  13. midlifecrisisqueen says:

    Laura Lee here (aka The Queen)

    Good news! No frog kissing required! The clearer you are about what you deserve now, the more quickly you will find it. Self-respect and self-love are the key!

    You go girl! We all need good friends, so go meet some!

    Laura Lee

  14. wyomingnna says:

    48 – My mom died. I looked at life. Decided that the platonic marriage I had was not what I wanted to model for my two daughters. Fell into and OLD love relationship. Don’t do that. If someone flaked out on you several times before—it WILL happen again. But wait! Went to a friend’s 30th high school reunion. Knew LOTS of people from earlier school years. Met a guy that I would never have hooked up with before. He was a jock and had been in the military. I was a hippie theater person (in my earlier years). We lived across the country from each other. We tentatively e-mailed, IMed, then finally telephoned. We spent months reading books together about relationships–what we wanted out of the rest of our lives. Sometime in there we figured out we had been in 2nd grade together. I’d had a crush on him in 2nd grade! I remembered him vividly because one day he had a pained expression on his face and I (being extremely shy at the time) had to get up the courage to tell the teacher that he had a razor blade up his nose. Well, years later…..I find out it was an ERASER! (Boys will be boys). We got a big laugh out of that one. Now we’ve had a long-distance relationship for FIVE years. We are waiting for our last two daughters (four between us) graduate from high school before we move to the same city. The reason I tell this story is because I believe that we are supposed to meet certain souls in our lifetime/s. My life changed instantly from one moment to the next at that reunion. Open your eyes. Look for the signs. Wonderful things can happen.

  15. midlifecrisisqueen says:

    Ain’t that the truth! That’s why I write this blog!!!

  16. carol says:

    I enjoyed reading your blog. I met someone that I am seeing now – he’s 51 I’m 48. There is definitely something between the souls as we get older and we both sense this ourselves. We have been seeing each other for three months now and every kiss is like our first kiss (this happened on Christmas – the best Christmas present I have ever received). We both think about each other 24-7. I’ll pick up the phone to call and he’s on the other end. I can see spending the rest of my life with him – it’s for both of us “where have you been my whole life” only the thing with that is we had to live life and make mistakes before God allowed us to meet each other. We lived at the same apartment complex and knew each other casually for about a year before we got together but, in retrospect, I can see the destiny aspect and how we were drawn to each other. He always seemed special to me before I fell head over heels. Wonderful things can and do happen – we have to open our hearts and minds and close the door on all the hurts of the past. When we do that and we are not looking for love, it really does happen. I feel as if I am a teenager in love for the first time only with all the wisdom I have gleened through the years.

  17. Futon Chair says:

    Interesting little poem in the beginning.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: